How to sew your heart back — one thread at a time.
When it comes to getting over people you really like, or liked, there’s no one size fits all. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a failed friendship, desensitizing yourself to a family member, etc. I have learned that the time varies for a lot of people.
I have read of people who got over someone in a month, some two months, some a year, and then for some, it goes for years.
I would fall in the category of people who take a year, or within a year to get over a person. I pray to God I never become the person who takes years, i think that’s torture, really. Because on the one hand, you can’t go back to this person fully— I say fully because I know how feelings can sometimes make you do things you won’t want to. So you might slip, and go back to them, but you know in your heart of hearts that this cannot go on. And so you detach yourself, and start the healing process all over again, or continue from where you stopped. On the other hand, you can’t bring yourself to form a new relationship, because the wound is still fresh, and the pain is still raw. You’re still licking your wounds.
In this case, I’d be talking about liking people romantically.
I am the kind of person who likes people once in a few years. I get attracted to one person, and then I get fixated on them. Once I am able to name the emotion and go “so this is love” (cue in that song, lol), and they seem like a reasonable person, I let myself go. I have a tendency to become an absolute simp for people I care about, which is why I am very careful about the people I get with. A terrible person would take advantage of it in ways that can cause irreparable damage. Thankfully, I haven’t had to get all the way to the simp level yet. I just get to the point where my love can still see, even if it is shortsighted.
Now, you’ve loved somebody with all your heart, but sadly you need to let them go. How do you do that?
Here are some tips!🤭
- Don’t hate them: This is very important. I kind of learned something early about the opposite of love not being hate, but indifference. This is important because you want to get to the point where the thoughts of them do not rile you up, or stress your heart in a good or bad way. Be kind and cordial, like you’d treat anybody else you meet, but keep your distance and never overstep. You need to teach your heart to start to see them as a normal person like everybody else you meet. The special fondness you had for them has to go, and you do that by“normalising” them.
- Track, and celebrate the little wins: Something phenomenal just happened to you, and you want to share it, but you don’t share it with them? That’s progress. You’re stranded, and they’re not the first person you call? Progress still. You really really need to cry, or rant, or vent and want your safe space back, but instead of calling them, or going over to their house, you don’t do that. You either locked up, or went to a platonic friend. That’s progress still.
I mention these because I know that in the midst of all these, there are times when you might slip, and call them, or go to them, or find yourself spending time with them. Forgive yourself, and focus on your little wins. You’re learning how to unlove someone, that is a lot of work. Your heart needs some time.
- Allow yourself to miss them: You will miss them. God. You will miss them so much, and feel so many things; hurt, anger, pain, sometimes so badly your chest will feel like it’s constricting. Allow yourself to feel it, and continue with your life. Don’t act on it, don’t call them and hope that they’d help alleviate it — because they won’t. If anything, they might probably remind you why you’re currently doing everything to get over them. But don’t deny your feelings, either. Denying it just makes it worse, and prolongs your suffering.
Feel, and talk to someone if you have to, but remember to get over the emotion and keep going. - Name and Question Your Emotions: Is it anger you feel? Why do you feel that anger? Is it hurt? Why are you hurt? Sometimes, you find that you were probably the one who overestimated the relationship, and so now you’re angry about an expectation you had for them that they never even knew about, or even set in the first place. You were the only one feeling the feelings, or in the relationship, and they probably didn’t even know.
But as long as you keep trying, you’ll be fine.
People have gotten over partners that used to mean the world to them. You can too.
That’s all I can mention for now, to be honest. It is a process, allow yourself to get over it. Also, here’s something I read a while back that made sense to me, “They’re not special, you made them special”. So you see? Demystifying them helps you.
Also, don’t beat yourself up too much. There’s nothing wrong with being a good lover. Heal from this one, and allow yourself to fall in love again if you so wish. If you don’t wish to, that’s okay too. Just make sure it is a personal decision and not a result of someone else’s behaviour.
Finally, brethren, I leave you with this phenomenal quote:
Glossary:
- Shege: Rubbish, hardships, trials, and tribulations. According to the Urban Dictionary.
Until next time, cheers to refusing to see shege 🥂👋🏼.
